Did she just say that?

Due to my complete lack of brainpower as a result of being in the process of moving, my poor little cerebrum can barely put together a sentence, let alone a coherent, thoughtful piece of writing that would have otherwise been the content of this blog post. And because this is my last night in my old apartment, everything I own with the capacity to entertain and keep myself busy is quietly nestled away in its respective box. Thus: my urge to write a blog entry.

Combine these two current conditions of mine (feather-brainedness and the need for something to do) and, voila! You get the extreme pleasure of perusing a list of some of my all-time favorite idioms and sayings. Most of these come from none other than Jim (the man, the myth, the legend) Kevorkian, and his nuptial counterpart, give it up for my mom: Nancer Pancer Kevorkian. Though they dominate the majority of the featured entries on this list, a few prized others have come from individuals who will appropriately receive credit.

*DISCLAIMER: This list is not for those holier-than-thou nor the unappreciative prude. If you fall into these aforementioned categories, abort this post immediately or prepare to be offended.

- "...as useless as tits on a nun."

- "What do you want, egg in your beer?!" (said to someone who should be pleased, but isn't)

- "Vanish like a fart in the wind."

- "Colder than a witch's titty in a brass bra."

- "Even a blind squirrel will find a nut once in a while." -Andrew Shroads

- "It's raining like a cow pissing on a flat rock."

- "...sweating like a whore in church."

- "That was a phi beta kappa maneuver." (when you do something stupid)

- "You can't soar with the eagles in the morning if you're out hooting with the owls all night." -Erica Shaya

- "Nice shot, Oswald."

- "Shit or get off the pot!"

- "'Ah, I see' said the blind man." -Mike Chacon

- "Do you want a medal or a chest to pin it on?" (for someone who thinks they deserve more credit than they do)

- "... faster than Grant took Richmond."

- "____iest   ______  in America." -Tasha Richardson

- "Busier than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest."

- "I gotta piss like a racehorse."

- "... dumber than pond scum."

- "You smell like a urinal in a Portuguese cat-house." -Jimmy Kevorkian

- "... slower than molasses in January."

- "... doesn't know his ass from a buttercup."

- "Happier than a two-peckered goat on a sheep ranch."

- "Too many chiefs, not enough indians." (to describe a situation wherein too many people are trying to take charge)

- "...doesn't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of." (to denote someone who is broke)


There ya have it, folks, a condensed list of my favorites from my private collection. I had to leave out the extremely politically incorrect ones, so if you would like to hear them, let me know I would be happy to share in a more private forum.

Well, in hopes that tomorrow I can move into my new place faster than Grant took Richmond, it's time for me to vanish like a fart in the wind and hit the hay. Happy trails!

Greatest love songs by decade

In complete contradiction to my normal blog style, this post will consist of a listed compilation of what I think are the best love songs of each decade from the 1940s through 2010. I strongly invite disagreement, but under one condition: you must tell me what YOU think the better choice is.

1940s: "Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered" by Ella Fitzgerald

1950s: "You Belong to Me" by Dean Martin

1960s: "When a Man Loves a Woman" by Percy Sledge

1970s: "How Deep is Your Love" by The Bee Gees

1980s: "Open Arms" by Journey

1990s: "I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" by Aerosmith

2000s: "You Are the Best Thing" by Ray LaMontagne

A long time ago, in a galaxy far far away

Theoretical physicist and cosmologist Stephen Hawking once said, "The large-scale homogeneity of the universe makes it very difficult to believe that the structure of the universe is determined by anything so peripheral as some complicated molecular structure on a minor planet orbiting a very average star in the outer suburbs of a fairly typical galaxy." Aka, we on Earth.

To put this quote into perspective, I found a spectacular video on Youtube that is one continuous zoom-out from NYC to the edges of the known universe (key word: known). Please watch entire video for full effect. The universe is a lot more expansive than we as a general species can wrap our minds around, and our egotistic inclination to believe that we are the center of the universe doesn't help. Sure, we may be just "complicated molecular structure[s] on a minor planet orbiting a very average star," but what if we happen to be the only life form in the awe-strikingly enormous universe? Would our narcissistic self-importance be justified?

With billions of other galaxies like our very own Milky Way, the argument that there are other forms of life on other Goldilocks planets (termed "Goldilocks" because they are not too hot, not too cold to support life) doesn't seem too farfetched. In fact, scientists just discovered one of these planets a mere 20 light years away from us (pretty darn close, relatively speaking). The odds truly are one in several billion that we are the only planet in the universe inhabited by some form of life. 

Thanks to the media, from film to television to comic books, our fascination with the possibility of the existence of extra-terrestrial life has greatly distorted what these life forms could actually be, and we are therefore too quick to dismiss it. Aliens in the media have been so egregiously exaggerated, lacking any semblance of legitimacy, that whenever we get to wondering if there are extra-terrestrial beings, these ridiculous manifestations are the first images that pop into our heads. No wonder we think it's a ridiculous notion. Here are a few examples: 

ALF: Hails from Melmac (located six parsecs past the Hydra-Centaurus Supercluster), crash-lands in white, middle class family's garage and immediately knows how to speak english. Favorite foods: everything. But especially house cats. 

ET: Gets ditched by his UFO while trying to collect plants. Has magic powers to heal and make bicycles fly. Favorite foods: beer and Reese's Pieces.

The aliens in Mars Attacks!: Two arms, two legs, and huge brains. Have really cool laser guns that can fry anything in a single zap. The only thing that will kill them (via brain explosion) are the shrill, twangy stylings of old country singer Slim Whitman. Favorite foods: Nitrogen gum, which they chew in order to stay alive when their space helmets are removed.

I think you get the point. How can we believe in the prospect of extra-terrestrial life when all we have to base our imaginings from are representations such as these?

The other side of the argument is that we are indeed the sole heirs of life in the entire universe. Much of the time, this belief's founding can be traced to the beginnings of Judaism (and subsequently, Christianity). God made us and only us in His image to worship and depend on Him at all times, for everything. Could you imagine arriving in Heaven (or Hell) and seeing a whole host of different life forms from other planets there? That would be a trip- I don't remember reading anything like that in the Bible. However, leaving religion out of it, many esteemed scientists propose that there is good reason to believe that we are alone. A few years ago I became especially curious and read a book called Case for a Creator by Lee Strobel. He writes, "My road to atheism was paved by science... but, ironically, so was my later journey to God." If you're interested in this subject, I highly recommend it. Strobel's work is riddled with interesting interviews of brilliant professors all over the world and their thoughts on the creation of the universe. 

During one of the interviews, some scientist told Strobel to think about life on Earth like this: Imagine millions of variables (i.e. nitrogen level) divided into one-inch increments spanning from one edge of the universe to the other (that's a lot of inches). Each one of those millions of variables had to be set perfectly on their respective one-inch precision scale in order for Earth to become inhabitable and eventually support human life. Those odds are so big our brains do not have the capacity to imagine what that means exactly, so chances seem almost non-existent that it happened more than once (unless we are the product of some intelligent design).

I'm sure some of you were hoping I'd delve into UFO sightings, Area 51, government conspiracies etc. during this post, so I'm sorry to have disappointed you. If there are other life forms out there, I wholeheartedly do not believe they have come to our planet. Have you ever noticed how most UFO sightings and alien abduction claims emerge from rural America, where both boredom and rye whiskey flourish? Just sayin'...

I hope this post comes to mind the next time you find yourself staring into the night sky or watching an episode of Mork and Mindy. 

Live long and prosper.