Two years ago, I took a class at Berkeley titled "The Evolution of Human Sexuality." As a media studies major, it had nothing to do with my field of academia. I just needed 2 units and the class came highly recommended. It was bar-none the best class I have ever taken in terms of interest, informativeness, and applicability to real life. It was taught by a brilliant professor by the name of Dr. Malcolm Potts. Hard to imagine that this exuberant, elderly, mad-scientist (complete with the hair) British professor has the final say in all things sexual. But he does.
At first I was a little put off by the class, as it quickly (and almost completely) eroded all my lifelong girlish notions of finding true love and living happily ever after. Did you know that of the over-5,000 species in the animal kingdom, only 3-5% are monogamous? And did you know that our closest biological relative, the bonobo chimpanzee (pan paniscus), is highly polygamous, and engages in behavior that is considered sexually deviant even in our society? If you are one to believe in both scientific authority and monogamy, this is not very good news.
Moreover, we learned that though both men and women are programmed for polygamy, men have more to gain from infidelity and therefore are more prone to it (I know, shocker). Males are subconsciously wired with the need to spread their genes as far-reaching as possible to ensure familial longevity. Very sorry if I just ruined any of your idealistic beliefs. And ladies, we can't put all the blame on the fellas. Turns out we too have a subconscious sexual-wiring. It is our main biological purpose to find the best possible traits for our children to inherit. Yep, this means anytime we see anything come along that is better than what we have, our cheat radar goes off louder than the firehouse alarm in the SFFD in 1906.
While this news may sound downright dreary, there is an upside. Occasionally, our emotional bonds overcome our biological need to cheat. We also have another advantage. As humans, our highly developed brains contain these strange little things called consciences. Mix those with a pinch of self-control, stir until saturated, and you've got yourself monogamy. Through the ages, our hyper-sanitized self-believed superiority in the animal kingdom, along with the advent of global religion (7th Commandment, people- know your Moses) has made us a species that (however unnatural) strives for monogamy. Only question is, can you hack it? Can your significant other hack it? Ladies, I'm sorry, but we're already at an inherent disadvantage, as since birth the media (i.e. romantic comedies and fairytales) have been pumping our brains with ludicrous information that directly defies science.
While there is some hope, we can't forget everything that nature (and experience) has taught us. As Dr. Potts ever-so-eloquently said, "Women give sex for love. Men give love for sex." Brilliant. Even Gandhi-esque.
So, you weekend warriors, as you take up your swords of alcohol and your shields of sexually dimorphic duds in search for whatever it is you search for as you head to the bars every weekend, keep this information in mind.
*Bonus! A few other fun facts learned in Dr. Potts' class:
-The female spotted hyena defies the norm as she wears the pants in the relationship. This includes having a locking-clitoris that doesn't let her mate's penis go until she's good and ready!
-Breast feeding after childbirth serves as a natural contraceptive.
-In many cultures, it is common to give birth in a sitting position. There are studies that show this is both safer and can be more comfortable.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Behind the scenes: America's unsung heroes
Every kid in America is inherently (though not always consciously) familiar with an ever-looming presence in their lives. This presence is most often female, and though society has falsely attached the connotation of being just that- a mere presence, a non-factor if you will- she is anything but.
That's right, folks. I'm talking about a centuries-old component of American myth and lore: the lunch lady.
Close your eyes and picture a lunch lady. Her name's probably Doris, right? Or perhaps Mabel. She's a little overweight (but not obese), sporting white orthopedic shoes... scraggly brown bun smushed down against the back of her head in a hairnet, a lipstick-stained cigarette hanging out of the side of her mouth with about 1/4 inch of ash dangling at its end. You're sure that ash is going to drop on the next salisbury steak she slops onto a plate, or maybe the next one... yet that ash diligently clings to that Lucky Strike, defying all laws of physics, and you know it will never drop. Because she's a lunch lady. The ash never drops.
OK, so maybe nowadays she wouldn't be smoking a cigarette in a cafeteria, but you get my point. These fine food service providers should not be taken for granted. They should not be looked down upon as the dregs of the school system. Lunch ladies are the unsung heroes of any educational establishment. Sure, the teachers feed your minds, but the learning process starts in feeding your body, thus having enough caloric energy to properly operate your mind. I once read that you can think 625 thoughts on the caloric value of one Cheerio. That's pretty amazing. So before you go around exalting every teacher for how invaluable their service is to society, you just remember where all the learning REALLY begins.
This post may or may not have to do with the fact that I myself am now a lunch lady. Before you gasp in astonishment at the career path I have chosen, I can assure you it is only temporary (but important nonetheless). As I stand at my station every Tuesday and Thursday unremittingly fueling the future great minds of America, it's hard not to notice how under-appreciated these fine people really are. My new job has given me an immense amount of insight on the world of being a lunch lady, and let me tell ya, everything you know about it is wrong (except for the comfy shoes and occasional hairnet). These strong, determined cafeteria warriors work their big round rumps off to ensure that every student has a proper meal in their stomach, and in a sanitary environment (think about how much you have to clean your kitchen. Now multiply both the size of that kitchen and the amount of food that is prepared in it by 2,000). Yep.
If you are lucky enough to be in a setting where you still see a lunch lady every day, do me a personal favor and thank her for everything she does. If you've already left the wings of education, when you have kids make sure to instill an appreciation in them for their lunch ladies at an early age.
Remember, folks, lunch ladies make the world go 'round.
That's right, folks. I'm talking about a centuries-old component of American myth and lore: the lunch lady.
Close your eyes and picture a lunch lady. Her name's probably Doris, right? Or perhaps Mabel. She's a little overweight (but not obese), sporting white orthopedic shoes... scraggly brown bun smushed down against the back of her head in a hairnet, a lipstick-stained cigarette hanging out of the side of her mouth with about 1/4 inch of ash dangling at its end. You're sure that ash is going to drop on the next salisbury steak she slops onto a plate, or maybe the next one... yet that ash diligently clings to that Lucky Strike, defying all laws of physics, and you know it will never drop. Because she's a lunch lady. The ash never drops.
OK, so maybe nowadays she wouldn't be smoking a cigarette in a cafeteria, but you get my point. These fine food service providers should not be taken for granted. They should not be looked down upon as the dregs of the school system. Lunch ladies are the unsung heroes of any educational establishment. Sure, the teachers feed your minds, but the learning process starts in feeding your body, thus having enough caloric energy to properly operate your mind. I once read that you can think 625 thoughts on the caloric value of one Cheerio. That's pretty amazing. So before you go around exalting every teacher for how invaluable their service is to society, you just remember where all the learning REALLY begins.
This post may or may not have to do with the fact that I myself am now a lunch lady. Before you gasp in astonishment at the career path I have chosen, I can assure you it is only temporary (but important nonetheless). As I stand at my station every Tuesday and Thursday unremittingly fueling the future great minds of America, it's hard not to notice how under-appreciated these fine people really are. My new job has given me an immense amount of insight on the world of being a lunch lady, and let me tell ya, everything you know about it is wrong (except for the comfy shoes and occasional hairnet). These strong, determined cafeteria warriors work their big round rumps off to ensure that every student has a proper meal in their stomach, and in a sanitary environment (think about how much you have to clean your kitchen. Now multiply both the size of that kitchen and the amount of food that is prepared in it by 2,000). Yep.
If you are lucky enough to be in a setting where you still see a lunch lady every day, do me a personal favor and thank her for everything she does. If you've already left the wings of education, when you have kids make sure to instill an appreciation in them for their lunch ladies at an early age.
Remember, folks, lunch ladies make the world go 'round.
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