If you (the reader) and I have had even of modicum of depth to our relationship, you know that I'm not one to shy away from talking about poop. My poop, your poop, dog poop, the unflushed poop in the locker room toilet... the list goes on. It's a major part of my day and yours too, even if you don't want to admit it.
Pooping is an essential part of life that for reasons beyond my comprehension has been denounced as inappropriate for civil conversation. But it's one of the few things every single person on the planet has in common (except maybe the anusless contributing writers at The New Yorker), and that's pretty darn special. Still not convinced? What if I told you there's an immortal epic in the English Literary Canon that proves it so? You can find it in most major bookstores; it's called Everybody Poops by literary genius Taro Gomi.
I'd like to take a moment write about some of the more notable poops that make an appearance in all of our lives from time to time:
The Phantom Poop
There you are, sitting on the toilet waiting in anxious anticipation for your bowels to move, and eureka--mission accomplished. But then you go to wipe and, inexplicably, the paper's as snow-white as a cartoon baby lamb. It cannot be so. You stand up to visually admire your hard-fought-for poop in all its glory but lo and behold, there's no trace of even a fecal molecule in the toilet. Perfect anus-to-toilet hole positioning has made this one a direct shot to depths unknown. This, my friends, is The Phantom Poop. Classified in the "unsatisfying" genus, The Phantom Poop robs from you any sense of achievement and validation defecation usually brings. It leaves you unsettled. You know you pooped. You felt the evacuation. Yet, nothing. It makes you question your sanity.
Hidden Bonus: After a true Phantom Poop, you don't have to flush! At least you can reap satisfaction from saving water, you hippie conservationist, you.
The Defies the Laws of Physics Poop
This one inspires utter awe and amazement. Most of us took geometry in high school, and all of us learned about shapes in earlier grades. We all know our rectums are more or less cylindrical, which lead in a straight line to a circular anus before their contents see daylight. Therefore, most of our poops are formed as straight lines. But sometimes, in the aftermath, we look down into the porcelain throne and gasp when we see an unnatural, though impressive, shape. Introducing: The Defies the Laws of Physics Poop. These are your right-angle poops, your corkscrew poops, your (this truly happened to me the week before the 2011 Cal Soccer Alumni Game) BIG C poop. 'Twas a perfect C. (Go bears). These are the poops you take photos of and send to your friends, the ones you can't wait to brag about.
The Anaconda Poop
Also known as the "How Did THAT Come Out of Me Poop," this one brings into question the sheer length and girth of your innards. This is the poop you imagine only comes out of 6'6, 345 lb Russian men. It can take various forms, from disappearing God-knows-how-far down the hole and reaching up to breach the water, to encircling the entire circumference of the bowl at least once--like a brown snake ready to strike. The Anaconda Poop is awe-inspiring in its own rite, as you're surprised every time that your waste pipes can contain that much matter without causing you discomfort, let alone produce something of that size that can externally hold its shape postpoopartum (see what I did there?).
The Lincoln Logs Poop
A first cousin of The Anaconda Poop, The Lincoln Logs Poop is also impressive in terms of size, but its real noteworthiness is derived from its manufacturing. Instead of keeping its length in tact, this poop somehow knows at what points to pinch itself off and restart in exact position to its forebears. The Lincoln Logs Poop is an architectural masterpiece, solely orchestrated by a seemingly unintelligent anus, laying down the pinched parts like a master lumberjack lining up cut logs to build a beautiful cabin.
The Part One Poop
Another poop in the "unsatisfying" genus, this little rascal leaves you wanting--nay, needing--more. After you expel The Part One Poop, you know that's not the end of it. The fat lady hath not sung and you feel incomplete. You know in your heart of hearts there's more in there--The Part Two Poop and beyond. Its uncertain nature leaves you feeling vulnerable and insecure. How can you go on with your day with the uneasy feeling of that incomplete poop in the later stages of your intestines, poised to release at any spontaneous moment (or even worse, remain there). The Part One Poop is most unpleasant.
The Sheer Perfection Poop
This is the poop that can make your entire day, and sometimes week. The Sheer Perfection Poop happens when a heavenly choir of angels descends from the sky to your bathroom, occupies your intestines and ever-so-sweetly sings an impeccable G chord to coax a flawless fecal specimen into your toilet. We all dream of such a poop, and wish it would grace us with its presence less sporadically. The Sheer Perfection Poop is like the orgasm of the pooping world, releasing endorphin-y shivers throughout your entire body and making you feel like you have the power to conquer the universe. One does not quickly forget the experience of The Sheer Perfection Poop, as its aura lingers around you the entire day, like a blessed halo spreading its joy into everything you do and everyone you interact with. Nothing can spoil a day that begins with The Sheer Perfection Poop.
Got any poops you'd like to share? I'd love to hear about them!
