One of the best games to play with someone you're trying to get to know well in the fastest way possible is a little game I like to call, "You Know What Really Grinds My Gears?" (borrowed from Peter Griffin's short-lived news segment on Family Guy). It is extremely instrumental for new roommates and early stages of dating. The point of the game is to take turns ranting (Me, rant? Shocking.) about your personal pet peeves. Better to find out this way, right?
I am currently in the middle of a long, seemingly ever-lasting game of Y.K.W.R.G.M.G. with Mr. Grant Daiss. Incidentally, we recently went to the movies to see Bad Teacher (Cameron Diaz... meh) on opening weekend and found ourselves in a packed theater, absolutely inundated with actions and people whom, you guessed it, GROUND MY GEARS.
Perhaps what most grinds my gears about the movies, or anywhere with stadium-style seating really, is that people can't wrap their heads around the fact that they are in an enclosed space, sharing that space with others. I'm not sure if this is a matter of awareness or consideration, but if I owned a movie theater, I would post little placards reiterating the Golden Rule on the back of every single chair. Here are a few personal-space issues I have with rude moviegoers:
1. The kicking/tapping/brushing/shaking/or-otherwise-touching of the back of my chair. I'm not sure if there is a cognitive disconnect or what, but believe it or not, on the other side of that inanimate piece of furniture is a person with nerve endings that can feel every vibration. Keep your hands, feet, and any other working appendage in your own seat and if you don't mind, sit still please. Even if you're not touching the person's chair in front of you, your moving around like an epileptic can cause those in your immediate vicinity to need Dramamine. Newsflash: those chairs are connected, folks.
2. The free sneezing/coughing/hacking into open air. Especially during the sick season. Please perform your sickness reflexes INTO something, be it a tissue or your sweatshirt. Just because you are in the dark doesn't mean people can't feel your mucus particles landing all over them. I don't know if you can even consider that a pet peeve- that's just a plain old public health issue. The CDC should get involved.
The next set has to do with personal space as well, but these fall in the visual/auditory category:
3. The use of cell phones. If you can't peel yourself away from your beloved phone screen for a measly 2 hours, leave the damn thing at home. Trust me- you're not that important. It positively stuns me that people have the audacity to actually answer phone calls and talk on their phones in a movie theater. I can think of few things more rude in terms of respecting others' enjoyment of something. HANG THE F**K UP. And you "sly" texters- don't think you're getting away with anything. The glowing backlight on your screen is a complete aura-ruiner. A sudden beam of bright light into anyone's peripheral view in a dark movie theater is both distracting and annoying. It's not going to kill you to wait until the movie is over for you to respond "nuthin LOLZ" to your friend's "wat r u doin" text.
4. Movie talkers. Period. Whether you're in my immediate party or just someone who is in ear-shot, we don't need a play-by-play of what's going on. Leave the commentating in your own personal living rooms. Perhaps the reason you don't ever know what's going on and feel the need to ask is because you already talked through (and missed) 1/3 of the dialogue. I'd rather go to the movies alone than with a movie talker.
5. People moving up/down/around the aisles throughout the whole movie. This one's a no-brainer: take care of your business before settling. I just heard a loud grunt of disapproval from all the small-bladdered folk out there and before you stop reading in your huff of protest, relax- I don't mean you. I am among your kind. It's perfectly acceptable to quietly and stealthily, like a ninja, get up for a bathroom break in the middle of a long film- especially if you're simultaneously ingesting a liquid treat. This pet peeve is more aimed at those people (usually kids/teenie boppers) who continuously run up and down the aisles, leave the theater, come back, repeat 12 times. What are you doing, running shuttles? I feel this is the proper point at which to admonish parents who bring kids to movies they are clearly not of the maturity level to handle, just because they didn't want to pay for a babysitter. Leave the kids at home if you're going to my theater to see King's Speech. Or I will stick my leg out and trip them as they run by.
6. Babies. I don't even need to get into that. Here's a good rule of thumb about babies: if they can't comprehend/won't remember the experience even happened by tomorrow, don't bring them. It always amazes me to see people pay $75 and bring babies to places like Disneyland. A) they're not going to remember it and B) they completely incapacitate your ability to have any fun. Forfeit $20 to the geeky, friendless, zit-faced adolescent down the block to babysit. It's worth it.
Next time you patronize a movie theater, keep these gear-grinders in mind, because chances are everyone in that theater shares at least one of them with me. Be kind. Be courteous.
And now for a classic we can all enjoy to get you in that theater-mood.
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
The frightening future
Tom Brokaw coined the term "The Greatest Generation" to describe those who were brought up in the U.S. during the Great Depression, went on to spend their early 20s fighting in the Second World War, produced the baby boomers (aka our parents) upon their arrival home, and went on to build up America's economy to be the world's most powerful and prolific. Though this generation is quickly fading, many of us (if you are around my age or older) will have spent at least 1/4 of our lives in the presence of those who comprised it. And for that, I am thankful. As my dad so passionately declared at my Grandpa Tom's funeral, "[The Greatest Generation] was truly was the greatest. They took care of their wives, they took care of their kids, and they took care of the Japs!" Though perhaps a bit politically incorrect by today's standards- beautifully put, Pops.
Those of The Greatest Generation are now 80+ years old. We refer to them as "the elderly." We recoil in fear at their inability to see and hear, their varicose veins, their armpit-high pants, their lack of hair where it ought to be and the proliferation where it oughtn't. We don't simply fear it because it is inherently strange to our youthful values, but mainly because we know that someday the same fate will befall us.
I am here today to tell you that it won't. We will look/act nothing like our grandparents and their acquaintances. No, my friends, our future elderly selves will at best minimally reflect The Greatest Generation we have seen age before us.
Our generation will be much worse. In our old age, we will be the ugliest, crudest, unhealthiest (and in turn most expensive), most unpleasant elderly generation the world has ever seen.
Let's begin with external appearances. In 60 years, most born around the millennium will take one of two completely opposite paths. Those who end up making good money in their careers and save a lot of it will go the plastic surgery route, and will end up looking as bad as or worse than the likes of Joan Rivers. These alien-like wax figures will line the beaches of The Hamptons and the streets of Beverly Hills, with collagen-infused fish lips and neck skin sagging halfway down their backs from facelift after facelift. Those who can't afford to niptuck themselves into oblivion will go the au natural route and, given the current appearances of my peers, I'm not sure which is more frightening. I recently patronized Six Flags- Magic Mountain (an amusement park) and was absolutely astounded by the amount of tattoo-age I witnessed. Almost every single person there was sporting a visible tattoo, but what really struck me was the raw percentage of skin covered in ink. Nearly half the people I saw had some sort of sleeve, and probably 7% had tattoos going all the way up their necks. Including females. Though I do not have any tattoos, I am by no means a denouncer of them- but WHAT THE HELL IS THAT GOING TO LOOK LIKE IN 50 YEARS? Have you ever seen a tattoo on an old person? It's not a common sight, but if you have, you know they have the appearance of prune-like, dark green cancer growths. If you think getting that Marvin the Martian tattoo on your tricep forever is a good idea, think again. And while we're on the subject of the epidermis, I think it's worth mentioning that our obsession with tanning (and even worse, fake tanning) will have us all looking like Texas Longhorn burnt-orange leather sacks if the melanomas don't do us in first. Add to that to the copious amount of chemicals we slather onto our heads (aka "hair care products") and acidic concoctions that allow us to merely "apply and just wipe the hair away!" and you've got yourself one torn up group of people over years of exposure. Let's face it- my generation is on the fast track to looking like the product of some subhuman, Twilight Zone science experiment.
Another aspect of outward appearance (and inward health) many fail to take into consideration is weight gain over time. As most of us know, the CDC has declared 1/3 of American adults today are obese. You may be thinking, so what? A lot of old people are overweight as well. While this is true, it is easy to forget that most members of The Greatest Generation were quite thin until they reached old age and their metabolisms puttered out. I know a lot of us experienced that moment as young children when we saw an old photograph of our grandparents and asked, heartbreakingly to them, "Who is that?" But WE are starting out fat- and neither science nor precedent can predict the effect that is going to have on both the individual and society. The only thing we can be sure of is that my generation will have more health problems (diabetes, heart disease, kidney failure, high cholesterol, etc etc etc) thanks to a preventable condition. If you're pissed off about having to foot the baby boomers' Medicare bill, just think of the burden we're going to place on our children. The only potential brightside is that since we will be so fat and unhealthy, maybe we won't live long enough to leach off America's taxpayers for too long.
No matter, it's what's on the inside that counts, right? Well, if that's true, we're doubly screwed. Today's elderly population has a reputation of being nice, kindly, and for the most part mild-tempered. Though they may be boring to those who don't appreciate history, nostalgia, or just the plain good ol' days, at least they are pleasant to be around. Why? Because they were brought up with manners, respect, and social graces that we seem to have since lost. Girls: How often do you hear sweet little old ladies drop the F-bomb? And how often do you hear your friends drop it, along with a plethora of other profanities? Fellas: You're a little different. Grandpa may have had quite the swearing vocabulary, which we'll blame on the military during WWII. But how often did you hear them cuss in the presence of the fairer sex? And how often do YOU cuss in front of, or even at, girls? There's a huge discrepancy here. Not only will our mannerisms be completely detestable, but so will our overall dispositions. We are the "me generation," we are selfish and think we are entitled to everything. Our grandkids can forget about grandma and grandpa spoiling them like we used to be spoiled. We sure as hell aren't going to go out of our way to make some little snot-nosed punk happy, even if he/she is our descendant. The Greatest Generation and even the baby boomers (though to a lesser extent) have a real consideration for the welfare of others. We do not. It's all about us.
So, as we live our lives fashioning our futures to be wholly ugly elderly folk, I guess we can find solace in one thing: if mankind continues to develop on this same path, our kids and grandkids will be exponentially more ugly and crude (inside and out) than we are, so perhaps by twisted comparison, we will seem as great to them as The Greatest Generation was to us.
Those of The Greatest Generation are now 80+ years old. We refer to them as "the elderly." We recoil in fear at their inability to see and hear, their varicose veins, their armpit-high pants, their lack of hair where it ought to be and the proliferation where it oughtn't. We don't simply fear it because it is inherently strange to our youthful values, but mainly because we know that someday the same fate will befall us.
I am here today to tell you that it won't. We will look/act nothing like our grandparents and their acquaintances. No, my friends, our future elderly selves will at best minimally reflect The Greatest Generation we have seen age before us.
Our generation will be much worse. In our old age, we will be the ugliest, crudest, unhealthiest (and in turn most expensive), most unpleasant elderly generation the world has ever seen.
Let's begin with external appearances. In 60 years, most born around the millennium will take one of two completely opposite paths. Those who end up making good money in their careers and save a lot of it will go the plastic surgery route, and will end up looking as bad as or worse than the likes of Joan Rivers. These alien-like wax figures will line the beaches of The Hamptons and the streets of Beverly Hills, with collagen-infused fish lips and neck skin sagging halfway down their backs from facelift after facelift. Those who can't afford to niptuck themselves into oblivion will go the au natural route and, given the current appearances of my peers, I'm not sure which is more frightening. I recently patronized Six Flags- Magic Mountain (an amusement park) and was absolutely astounded by the amount of tattoo-age I witnessed. Almost every single person there was sporting a visible tattoo, but what really struck me was the raw percentage of skin covered in ink. Nearly half the people I saw had some sort of sleeve, and probably 7% had tattoos going all the way up their necks. Including females. Though I do not have any tattoos, I am by no means a denouncer of them- but WHAT THE HELL IS THAT GOING TO LOOK LIKE IN 50 YEARS? Have you ever seen a tattoo on an old person? It's not a common sight, but if you have, you know they have the appearance of prune-like, dark green cancer growths. If you think getting that Marvin the Martian tattoo on your tricep forever is a good idea, think again. And while we're on the subject of the epidermis, I think it's worth mentioning that our obsession with tanning (and even worse, fake tanning) will have us all looking like Texas Longhorn burnt-orange leather sacks if the melanomas don't do us in first. Add to that to the copious amount of chemicals we slather onto our heads (aka "hair care products") and acidic concoctions that allow us to merely "apply and just wipe the hair away!" and you've got yourself one torn up group of people over years of exposure. Let's face it- my generation is on the fast track to looking like the product of some subhuman, Twilight Zone science experiment.
Another aspect of outward appearance (and inward health) many fail to take into consideration is weight gain over time. As most of us know, the CDC has declared 1/3 of American adults today are obese. You may be thinking, so what? A lot of old people are overweight as well. While this is true, it is easy to forget that most members of The Greatest Generation were quite thin until they reached old age and their metabolisms puttered out. I know a lot of us experienced that moment as young children when we saw an old photograph of our grandparents and asked, heartbreakingly to them, "Who is that?" But WE are starting out fat- and neither science nor precedent can predict the effect that is going to have on both the individual and society. The only thing we can be sure of is that my generation will have more health problems (diabetes, heart disease, kidney failure, high cholesterol, etc etc etc) thanks to a preventable condition. If you're pissed off about having to foot the baby boomers' Medicare bill, just think of the burden we're going to place on our children. The only potential brightside is that since we will be so fat and unhealthy, maybe we won't live long enough to leach off America's taxpayers for too long.
No matter, it's what's on the inside that counts, right? Well, if that's true, we're doubly screwed. Today's elderly population has a reputation of being nice, kindly, and for the most part mild-tempered. Though they may be boring to those who don't appreciate history, nostalgia, or just the plain good ol' days, at least they are pleasant to be around. Why? Because they were brought up with manners, respect, and social graces that we seem to have since lost. Girls: How often do you hear sweet little old ladies drop the F-bomb? And how often do you hear your friends drop it, along with a plethora of other profanities? Fellas: You're a little different. Grandpa may have had quite the swearing vocabulary, which we'll blame on the military during WWII. But how often did you hear them cuss in the presence of the fairer sex? And how often do YOU cuss in front of, or even at, girls? There's a huge discrepancy here. Not only will our mannerisms be completely detestable, but so will our overall dispositions. We are the "me generation," we are selfish and think we are entitled to everything. Our grandkids can forget about grandma and grandpa spoiling them like we used to be spoiled. We sure as hell aren't going to go out of our way to make some little snot-nosed punk happy, even if he/she is our descendant. The Greatest Generation and even the baby boomers (though to a lesser extent) have a real consideration for the welfare of others. We do not. It's all about us.
So, as we live our lives fashioning our futures to be wholly ugly elderly folk, I guess we can find solace in one thing: if mankind continues to develop on this same path, our kids and grandkids will be exponentially more ugly and crude (inside and out) than we are, so perhaps by twisted comparison, we will seem as great to them as The Greatest Generation was to us.
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