One of the best games to play with someone you're trying to get to know well in the fastest way possible is a little game I like to call, "You Know What Really Grinds My Gears?" (borrowed from Peter Griffin's short-lived news segment on Family Guy). It is extremely instrumental for new roommates and early stages of dating. The point of the game is to take turns ranting (Me, rant? Shocking.) about your personal pet peeves. Better to find out this way, right?
I am currently in the middle of a long, seemingly ever-lasting game of Y.K.W.R.G.M.G. with Mr. Grant Daiss. Incidentally, we recently went to the movies to see Bad Teacher (Cameron Diaz... meh) on opening weekend and found ourselves in a packed theater, absolutely inundated with actions and people whom, you guessed it, GROUND MY GEARS.
Perhaps what most grinds my gears about the movies, or anywhere with stadium-style seating really, is that people can't wrap their heads around the fact that they are in an enclosed space, sharing that space with others. I'm not sure if this is a matter of awareness or consideration, but if I owned a movie theater, I would post little placards reiterating the Golden Rule on the back of every single chair. Here are a few personal-space issues I have with rude moviegoers:
1. The kicking/tapping/brushing/shaking/or-otherwise-touching of the back of my chair. I'm not sure if there is a cognitive disconnect or what, but believe it or not, on the other side of that inanimate piece of furniture is a person with nerve endings that can feel every vibration. Keep your hands, feet, and any other working appendage in your own seat and if you don't mind, sit still please. Even if you're not touching the person's chair in front of you, your moving around like an epileptic can cause those in your immediate vicinity to need Dramamine. Newsflash: those chairs are connected, folks.
2. The free sneezing/coughing/hacking into open air. Especially during the sick season. Please perform your sickness reflexes INTO something, be it a tissue or your sweatshirt. Just because you are in the dark doesn't mean people can't feel your mucus particles landing all over them. I don't know if you can even consider that a pet peeve- that's just a plain old public health issue. The CDC should get involved.
The next set has to do with personal space as well, but these fall in the visual/auditory category:
3. The use of cell phones. If you can't peel yourself away from your beloved phone screen for a measly 2 hours, leave the damn thing at home. Trust me- you're not that important. It positively stuns me that people have the audacity to actually answer phone calls and talk on their phones in a movie theater. I can think of few things more rude in terms of respecting others' enjoyment of something. HANG THE F**K UP. And you "sly" texters- don't think you're getting away with anything. The glowing backlight on your screen is a complete aura-ruiner. A sudden beam of bright light into anyone's peripheral view in a dark movie theater is both distracting and annoying. It's not going to kill you to wait until the movie is over for you to respond "nuthin LOLZ" to your friend's "wat r u doin" text.
4. Movie talkers. Period. Whether you're in my immediate party or just someone who is in ear-shot, we don't need a play-by-play of what's going on. Leave the commentating in your own personal living rooms. Perhaps the reason you don't ever know what's going on and feel the need to ask is because you already talked through (and missed) 1/3 of the dialogue. I'd rather go to the movies alone than with a movie talker.
5. People moving up/down/around the aisles throughout the whole movie. This one's a no-brainer: take care of your business before settling. I just heard a loud grunt of disapproval from all the small-bladdered folk out there and before you stop reading in your huff of protest, relax- I don't mean you. I am among your kind. It's perfectly acceptable to quietly and stealthily, like a ninja, get up for a bathroom break in the middle of a long film- especially if you're simultaneously ingesting a liquid treat. This pet peeve is more aimed at those people (usually kids/teenie boppers) who continuously run up and down the aisles, leave the theater, come back, repeat 12 times. What are you doing, running shuttles? I feel this is the proper point at which to admonish parents who bring kids to movies they are clearly not of the maturity level to handle, just because they didn't want to pay for a babysitter. Leave the kids at home if you're going to my theater to see King's Speech. Or I will stick my leg out and trip them as they run by.
6. Babies. I don't even need to get into that. Here's a good rule of thumb about babies: if they can't comprehend/won't remember the experience even happened by tomorrow, don't bring them. It always amazes me to see people pay $75 and bring babies to places like Disneyland. A) they're not going to remember it and B) they completely incapacitate your ability to have any fun. Forfeit $20 to the geeky, friendless, zit-faced adolescent down the block to babysit. It's worth it.
Next time you patronize a movie theater, keep these gear-grinders in mind, because chances are everyone in that theater shares at least one of them with me. Be kind. Be courteous.
And now for a classic we can all enjoy to get you in that theater-mood.
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