First Impressions of the Panhandle

Three and a half weeks ago, Grant and I moved to the South. The Florida Panhandle, to be exact -- 10 miles from Alabama, 254 miles from the nearest Trader Joe's, and a world away from home.

Three and a half weeks is a relatively short period of time, but in those 24 days I've already made some interesting observations about our new region.

1. Menu items can be misleading

Before we moved here, I had already accepted the fact that going out to eat was going to be a bit different than in California. Everything would be fried, grits would be a side option, and key lime pie would be abundant. 

But I thought I'd be safe with salad. Salads are standard fare and pretty much universally understood. Imagine my surprise upon ordering multiple salads at multiple restaurants and discovering that "mixed greens" down here means "shredded iceberg." There was ne'er so much as a spinach, arugula or romaine leaf in sight. Beware the salads.


2. This is the Bible Belt

For 27 years, when I thought of Florida I imagined palm trees, white sandy beaches, Disney World, and cute, old, linen-clad Jewish people muttering Yiddish phrases like "meshuganah." Unbeknownst to me, there were parts of Florida closer to Alabama and Mississippi than Miami. Florida is actually a humongous state -- it would take us 10 hours to drive to the Everglades.

After moving here and taking a closer look at the map, I discovered the Panhandle was actually part of the Bible Belt, and lives up to everything that implies. You can't buy alcohol on Sundays in the next county. Grant's base is in Milton, Florida, which has 172 churches for a population of 9,323. That works out to one church for every ~54 people.

And as astounding as that figure is, there are even more preachers than churches. Every Sunday, the street corners are littered with people like this:

Some are shouting verses, some are speaking in tongues, some are holding graphic signs -- and all are trying to save you. In a town with one church for every 54 people, that seems a little like trying to sell ice to Eskimos. But that's just one concentrated town in the Pensacola region. Some people are spiritual in different ways.

3. ...but not everyone is Christian

There are also a lot of Wiccans, Pagans and other unconventional religions represented. A few weeks ago, Pensacola made national news when three family members offed themselves in a Wiccan ritual killing, right here in our county. Which leads me to my next observation.

4. The first thing you think when you see Florida news is WTF

I'm going to issue you a challenge: Every time you open your Facebook page, take a gander at the "trending" topics on the right side of your newsfeed. Every time you see a bizarre, non-Hollywood news story, investigate a little further and find out where the story took place. It's uncanny how often the answer will be Florida.

When I found out we were moving to Florida, a friend (Hi, Bsayl!) and I started sending each other all the weird news stories we'd see coming out of Florida (you know, to get pumped). Here's a small sampling:

• See #3 above
• Armadillos cause spike in leprosy cases in Florida
• Second-largest python ever caught in Everglades
• Massive Florida sinkhole that swallowed man reopens
• Click here for more, like:
• "Ft. Lauderdale man tries to sell live 5-foot nurse shark outside Publix"
• "Palm Beach County investigators find a bowling ball filled with gunpowder connected to long rope used as a wick, like something straight out of a cartoon"
• "Man killed in Panama City Beach after an argument over how much spice to put into a gumbo at a seafood restaurant"

5. There's wildlife everywhere

Especially mosquitoes. Lots and lots of mosquitoes. Lots of mosquitoes who think my California blood is a fine delicacy. My first evening here, I got 36 mosquito bites, and since then have had no less than seven at any given time.

Aside from all the leprosy 'dillos, pythons and gators you hear about in the news (see #4), I've also seen two toads hop across our porch, a gecko in the bath tub, tons of fish and ospreys in the bayou, dozens of turtles hanging out along the Clearwater River, and a lot of unfamiliar birds (the highlight being the pair of cardinals that like to munch on my bird feeder).

6. Semantics is unimportant

I've noticed an extraordinary amount of unfortunate wording on signs and billboards. It seems like no one really looks at a phrase or tagline from all angles before publishing, which is an immature brain's dream come true. For example, I saw this gem just the other day and had to snap a photo:

OK, I may need to be saved for poking fun at this one, but I couldn't help it. The wording was just too creepy.


DISCLAIMER: Overall, Pensacola has been way better than I thought it would be. I just had a handful of things that I thought would be fun to write about. The people are mostly normal, the beaches are awesome, and there are a lot of great bars and restaurants... it's actually a pretty thriving small city. It's different, but it's shaping up to be a fun little adventure. I even bought a banjo to get into the spirit.

I'm a Floridian now and I really don't hate it.