Air Travel Manifesto

Let's chat about flying.

Thanks to great pioneers of the skies in the early 20th century (including but not limited to the Wright Bros.), we have the phenomenal ability to fly in near-absolute safety 35,000 feet in the air at speeds of ~500 MPH. We often take it for granted, but the reality that we can travel from coast to coast in six measly hours is quite incredible.

In the mid-twentieth century, passenger flying really started to take off. Pan Am was in its glory days, people dressed to the nines to fly, and mini packs of cigarettes were offered to passengers like peanuts are today. Flying was classy and romantic-- hell, Frank Sinatra even sang about it.

Nowadays, fares are cheap and the unwritten code of behavioral protocol is no more. In the past four months I've been on twelve flights, six of which were 5+ hours. That's a lot of time spent in airports, on various aircraft, and, well, around people I wouldn't otherwise choose to be within forty yards of. It's a peculiar and unique environment. Once that heavy, unforgiving door at the gate ominously slams behind the last passenger, you're stuck with about 100 strangers and their annoying habits in a miniscule 1,120 square feet of cabin space for hours (if you're on a 737, which I usually fly).

Other people are weird- we all know that. It's a universal truth. This subjective altruism can present uncomfortable and frustrating situations, especially during air travel. As a result, in my never-ending quest to point out and solve the world's ills one blog post at a time, I aim to identify and rectify those annoying travel situations.

Most people see problems. I see solutions. Therefore, I have compiled a manifesto of universal air travel etiquette by which everyone should abide.

1. If you know you have a small bladder or IBS, don't sit by the window. Get an aisle seat. No one appreciates having their attention torn from a book or movie because you have to pee or defecate every half hour.

2. Leave the kids at home. If grandma and grandpa really want to see them, they can eat cat food for a few weeks to save up enough money to make the trip to you. But if you absolutely have to bring them, slip 3x the recommended amount of Benadryl into their applesauce before the flight. In my 23 years of life my family never flew anywhere together because my parents knew the unprecedented havoc that would ensue- you're welcome.

3. If you have to get up and stretch your legs in the aisle, make it brief and don't linger. And if you MUST stretch, refrain from thrusting your ass and/or crotch into the faces of those seated in the aisle. I can't tell you the amount of saggy old man scrotum I've almost punched because of this. Respect those boundaries, folks.

4. The row of chairs in front of you is not a leverage tool. If you have to get up and are for some reason too weak to do so with your own God-given muscles, use your OWN chair for a crutch. There are people in front of you, and they do not like to be drawn back then catapulted forward as you make your way to the aisle.

5. As long as we're on the subject, just don't touch the seat in front of you at all. Period. No exceptions. And if you need to use your tray table, pull it down and put it back very gingerly. Chances are the person seated in front of you has nerve endings and an inner ear.

6. Don't put the toilet lid down as you exit the lavatory. There is absolutely no need to do this. The suction system will already ensure that there is no lingering smell from your airport-burrito output. The only thing you are doing in putting the lid down is annoying the person after you who wants to touch the least amount of surface area possible; having to touch something that comes in direct contact with the toilet seat is the worst possible scenario.

7. One minute rule for the bathroom. You're trapped in a plane- the lavatories aren't going anywhere and neither are you. Wait until you're prairie-dogging it so a line doesn't form in the aisle while everyone else is waiting for your hemorrhoid-inducing pushes to expel rock-hard BB pellets. Just leave them in there and let them ripen until they're ready to come out on their own accord. It's a safety issue, really.

8. Stay within the confines of your seat. If you're spilling over into the other seats, lose weight or buy two tickets for yourself. And don't be an armrest hog- compromise. A good rule of thumb for being a pleasant neighbor is to draw imaginary lines from your armrests all the way out to the seats in front of you, and do not cross those lines while seated.

9. Upon arrival, let everyone seated in front of you exit the aircraft first. If you're one of those people who absolutely needs to pop up out of their seat right when that bell dings to smushedly stand in the aisle for 10 minutes before the door opens, it doesn't mean you have the divine right to straight-arm everyone in front of you to get off the plane first. Respect the logical system. The 3 minute difference is not going to kill you.

10. If you're sick, sneeze/cough/hack/wheeze/whoop into the crook of your elbow, nowhere else. We don't need your Asian bird flu or bubonic plague freely cruising around the cabin airspace.

11. If you have friends on the flight with whom you need to gab, do so in an indoor voice. The entire cabin doesn't need to hear about your yeast infection or how many chicks you got busy with in Vegas last weekend or the details of your last colonoscopy.

12. Don't bring your enormous, 49 lb. suitcase on board expecting to carry it on. All you'll achieve by doing this is holding up the boarding process while you idiotically try to shove it in a space in which it clearly won't fit. After your struggle (and inevitable loss) with physics and argument with the flight attendant that you "swear it fit the last time you flew," you'll have to check it anyway. Save us all the time and drama.

There you have it folks, my Air Travel Manifesto. Feel free to contribute if you think I've left anything out.